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For Halloween: Some scary words from the judge

10/30/2018

 
As published in The Chicago Daily Law Bulletin

  • Motion for SOJ, DENIED!!! 
  • I respect your client’s decision not to take that very reasonable offer, so let’s start hearing the motions and see what happens. 
  • Sheriff, could you come in right this minute please?! 
  • Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, why look, here comes Mr. Jones so I guess we can finally start!
  • Counsel, would you mind saying that again on the record?
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, please try to stay awake for some of this five-hour video deposition of Dr. Nudnik even though the lights will be off.
  • If you really want me to hear that motion…
  • My court clerk informed me that last night one of you…
  • Ms. Reporter, read back that last question which was objected to as being so very prejudicial! 
  • I’m sorry, could you please read it again?
  • Sorry, missed that last part. Again, please.
  • So you want to know when I’m going to get that order out?
  • I’ll give it to you right now! 
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, that testimony was only allowed for a limited purpose and of course you are not to consider it as real evidence.
  • Funny, if you had only filed this just one day earlier…
  • Because it is obviously so extremely, extremely critical to the case, Motion in Limine  #6 is taken under advisement for some other time later on another day. 
  • Oh, did I forget to mention I have to adjourn early today? Bye!
  • I’m sorry, could we please go back to that so-called prejudicial question just one more time?
  • I just want to say I’m not going to let it bother me that you took up our earlier case which the appellate court so stupidly reversed.
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, this part of the case is just lawyer argument. You don’t really have to give it any weight.
  • Motion for non-suit, DENIED! Let’s go!
  • Counsel do you understand this is MY courtroom! And this is my stapler!
  • Anything further?
  • After hearing it again, I think you may be right. That question was very prejudicial. 
  • So tell me again how you couldn’t be here because you had to appear in “FEDERAL COURT”!
  • Counsel, may I see you in chambers, please? NOW!
  • Let me guess, you didn’t happen to read paragraph 27 of my standing order, did you?
  • Sorry, it looks like there’s an eensy little bit left on your expert’s recross, so he’ll have to stay over another night.
  • Does anyone have the courtesy copies? 
  • Counsel are you kidding me? Have you ever tried a case before?!!
  • Technically, you may be right, but…
  • Counsel, in this county the lawyers mark their own exhibits.
  • Ms. Reporter, could you please find that part of the record where I told the lawyers just exactly what could happen to them if they ever tried that again?
  • Do you think maybe, just maybe if you had Shepardizedthat cite perhaps you might have found…
  • You make a very persuasive argument, but…
  • Counsel, I want to see your time sheets.
  • On that other one, where I said objection sustained, I really meant to say, overruled. It was the one after that which should have been sustained. 
  • Sit down. I’ll hear this case at the end of my double call.
  • Counsel, is it possible I did not make myself clear the last two hundred times I said…
  • Motion for continuance, DENIED! Let’s go!
  • No, the other side had no obligation to disclose…
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, those vile comments of Mr. Jones were completely improper and you should disregard them entirely! Never think of them again!
  • I may be mistaken, but…
  • Possibly you did raise that point, but I didn’t read the twenty-seven pages of your brief past my limit.
  • No, you opened the door, now she can ask anything she wants.
  • Juror #6, why don’t you tell us why you say you were improperly pressured by these other jurors sitting here next to you.
  • Counsel, would it interest you to know that statute was repealed two years ago?
  • I don’t care what the appellate court said.
  • Are you sure you want to rest now?
  • I am not here to educate you on the law.
  • I do not find that at all funny.
  • Counsel, were those or weren’t those your very own words?
  • Oh, did you file a response? No matter, I’m ready to rule.
  • If that witness isn’t here in the next five minutes…
  • Well, find someone to call now, I’m not keeping this jury waiting a minute longer.
  • However, as to the fees claimed…
  • Motion to withdraw, DENIED. Let’s go!
  • The other lawyer doesn’t have to object. I object.
  • Counsel, aren’t you done yet?
  • We’re going to start picking the jury now and we’ll hear all those motions another time.
  • And make sure your adjuster from Albany is here promptly at 8:00 Monday morning.
  • I don’t care how the motion judge ruled.
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry to tell you that the lawyers now say they’re going to keep on with this case through next Thursday.
  • Counsel, would it surprise you to know…
  • No sidebar, no more argument, just finish already!
  • But on the other hand…
  • Where in the world are you going with these useless questions?
  • So neither of you gave the other side…
  • Mr. Jones, thirty seconds left on your time.
  • Any last words before I rule?
  • Counsel, I’ll see you on Monday and Fred, I’ll see you at the club tomorrow. Bring that new putter.
  • I think I’m going to change my earlier ruling and allow use of those five new boxes of documents.
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re going to take a two-hour break now so the lawyers can have lunch.

Send me your favorite scary words (hopefully not from me). Have a great Halloween!

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