As published in The Chicago Daily Law Bulletin
- Motion for SOJ, DENIED!!!
- I respect your client’s decision not to take that very reasonable offer, so let’s start hearing the motions and see what happens.
- Sheriff, could you come in right this minute please?!
- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, why look, here comes Mr. Jones so I guess we can finally start!
- Counsel, would you mind saying that again on the record?
- Ladies and Gentlemen, please try to stay awake for some of this five-hour video deposition of Dr. Nudnik even though the lights will be off.
- If you really want me to hear that motion…
- My court clerk informed me that last night one of you…
- Ms. Reporter, read back that last question which was objected to as being so very prejudicial!
- I’m sorry, could you please read it again?
- Sorry, missed that last part. Again, please.
- So you want to know when I’m going to get that order out?
- I’ll give it to you right now!
- Ladies and Gentlemen, that testimony was only allowed for a limited purpose and of course you are not to consider it as real evidence.
- Funny, if you had only filed this just one day earlier…
- Because it is obviously so extremely, extremely critical to the case, Motion in Limine #6 is taken under advisement for some other time later on another day.
- Oh, did I forget to mention I have to adjourn early today? Bye!
- I’m sorry, could we please go back to that so-called prejudicial question just one more time?
- I just want to say I’m not going to let it bother me that you took up our earlier case which the appellate court so stupidly reversed.
- Ladies and Gentlemen, this part of the case is just lawyer argument. You don’t really have to give it any weight.
- Motion for non-suit, DENIED! Let’s go!
- Counsel do you understand this is MY courtroom! And this is my stapler!
- Anything further?
- After hearing it again, I think you may be right. That question was very prejudicial.
- So tell me again how you couldn’t be here because you had to appear in “FEDERAL COURT”!
- Counsel, may I see you in chambers, please? NOW!
- Let me guess, you didn’t happen to read paragraph 27 of my standing order, did you?
- Sorry, it looks like there’s an eensy little bit left on your expert’s recross, so he’ll have to stay over another night.
- Does anyone have the courtesy copies?
- Counsel are you kidding me? Have you ever tried a case before?!!
- Technically, you may be right, but…
- Counsel, in this county the lawyers mark their own exhibits.
- Ms. Reporter, could you please find that part of the record where I told the lawyers just exactly what could happen to them if they ever tried that again?
- Do you think maybe, just maybe if you had Shepardizedthat cite perhaps you might have found…
- You make a very persuasive argument, but…
- Counsel, I want to see your time sheets.
- On that other one, where I said objection sustained, I really meant to say, overruled. It was the one after that which should have been sustained.
- Sit down. I’ll hear this case at the end of my double call.
- Counsel, is it possible I did not make myself clear the last two hundred times I said…
- Motion for continuance, DENIED! Let’s go!
- No, the other side had no obligation to disclose…
- Ladies and Gentlemen, those vile comments of Mr. Jones were completely improper and you should disregard them entirely! Never think of them again!
- I may be mistaken, but…
- Possibly you did raise that point, but I didn’t read the twenty-seven pages of your brief past my limit.
- No, you opened the door, now she can ask anything she wants.
- Juror #6, why don’t you tell us why you say you were improperly pressured by these other jurors sitting here next to you.
- Counsel, would it interest you to know that statute was repealed two years ago?
- I don’t care what the appellate court said.
- Are you sure you want to rest now?
- I am not here to educate you on the law.
- I do not find that at all funny.
- Counsel, were those or weren’t those your very own words?
- Oh, did you file a response? No matter, I’m ready to rule.
- If that witness isn’t here in the next five minutes…
- Well, find someone to call now, I’m not keeping this jury waiting a minute longer.
- However, as to the fees claimed…
- Motion to withdraw, DENIED. Let’s go!
- The other lawyer doesn’t have to object. I object.
- Counsel, aren’t you done yet?
- We’re going to start picking the jury now and we’ll hear all those motions another time.
- And make sure your adjuster from Albany is here promptly at 8:00 Monday morning.
- I don’t care how the motion judge ruled.
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry to tell you that the lawyers now say they’re going to keep on with this case through next Thursday.
- Counsel, would it surprise you to know…
- No sidebar, no more argument, just finish already!
- But on the other hand…
- Where in the world are you going with these useless questions?
- So neither of you gave the other side…
- Mr. Jones, thirty seconds left on your time.
- Any last words before I rule?
- Counsel, I’ll see you on Monday and Fred, I’ll see you at the club tomorrow. Bring that new putter.
- I think I’m going to change my earlier ruling and allow use of those five new boxes of documents.
- Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re going to take a two-hour break now so the lawyers can have lunch.
Send me your favorite scary words (hopefully not from me). Have a great Halloween!